The last 10 years has held a lot of various seasons for me personally: graduating from college, working in ministry as a single female, getting married, learning to be a wife, learning to be a pastor's wife, being involved in youth ministry and womens ministry, having two children, moving states, and walking alongside my husband while he job searches, while longing myself to enter ministry once again.
All of these "seasons" have been so full. Crazy times, exciting adventures, packed out weeks, moments when I can't wait for what is coming, and other times when I don't know how in the world I will hang on through the next thing. These seasons keep pushing me to Jesus. I've had some incredibly encouraging friends walk by my side, and some other encounters with fellow believers that left me hurt or discouraged.
This week at a small group training meeting, our pastor shared that sometimes women can have a difficult time being honest with each other. So much comparison and insecurity goes on, both inside and outside the church.
And for me (as well as probably a lot of you), the "little" conversations lay the groundwork for how safe or open I feel like I can be with women/people around me. I'm finally recognizing how some the "normal" statements made on a pretty regular basis to women sharing something about their life are actually not encouraging, bonding, edifying, or really actually a godly response. Here are some real conversations I've experienced or personally witnessed (typically when a woman is brave enough to answer the question "How are you?" with a real answer):
Young mom: "This has been a really long week. Neither of my toddlers will nap at the same time, and the baby keeps waking up all night. I'm just exhausted."
Other female: "Enjoy this season, it's so special, they grow up so quick. This is a precious time."
Young Mom: "Things have just been crazy. Sick kids, messy house, husband is working long hours..."
Other female: "Honey, wait til your kids are older. Then you'll really know what busy is."
Single Female: "Doing ok. Been some tough things the last few weeks."
Other female: "Your mom just told me about your boyfriend. It's ok, God has someone better and more handsome for you. This wasn't the right one."
Married Woman: "This year has been rough. Our work schedules have been really different and my husband and I haven't gotten a lot of time together. And finances are just so tight."
Other female: "Wait until you add kids to the mix, then it really gets crazy!"
And the list could go on. You know the moments I'm talking about, when you leave a conversation feeling like you're a failure or not spiritual enough and you have to be older, wiser, have more/less kids, work more/less, etc, etc... And after awhile, when someone asks how you're doing, you answer "Great, good, fine" and keep on walking or change the subject. There are truths in those statements, but they aren't always the right time to share them... Like it is true that the first few years of having children is precious, it does go by quickly, but it's also grueling, exhausting, and I've never met a mom who loves changing diapers, thrived on a lack of sleep, or enjoyed the painful adventure of grocery shopping with three small kids.
God is teaching me to listen. Say a whole lot less (and yes, I do love to talk!), and think through something before I say it. And part of Ephesians 4 has become the standard I want to live...
"29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. 30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I don't know the heart behind some of the responses I mentioned above. On the surface, they seem harmless. But yet there is an edge to them that can cut (not always, but often). It might just be the "church/godly" answer (like a better man out there), it might be a longing that they had chosen differently, it might be unresolved bitterness or anxiety about their own current season, an unidentified mentality that everyone has to endure certain seasons, or it might be they just have had their own exhausting week and didn't think before they spoke. I know the heart usually isn't to hurt. But we are all human, we are all sinners, and sometimes we say things that are not edifying, encouraging, or compassionate.
And since we only get glimpses of each others' lives, we don't usually get to see the big picture of what's going on for the person sharing with us. They might have gotten a scary lab result back from the doctor that week and don't know how to share it with anyone yet. They might have an incredible career or ministry, but have secretly been going through infertility for years. They might long to be married, and are hurting because God hasn't placed them in that season yet. Or they could just be so exhausted and worn out they don't give themselves credit for all the wonderful things that they ARE doing. God might have called them to have five children, or only two, or has blessed them with one, but not any more yet... We just don't know what's going on in their hearts.
Some of the times that have been so encouraging and redeeming for me have been times when I have been told, or heard someone else told, things like:
"Hang in there. This infant phase is rough... it's ok to let some dishes go, and cuddle with your baby for a nap. And you know what? It's ok to cry. I remember crying a ton. Those crazy hormones!"
"That does sound crazy. Need a hug?" (saying life only gets busier is NEVER encouraging to someone who is already stressed)
"If you need to talk, I'm here. Or if you need to just laugh, I can bring over a comedy one night this week or we can go shopping?" (thrift stores are a fun place to find ridiculous clothes to try on for laughs, and frozen yogurt places are great for the heart)
"I'm really sorry to hear that. I'll be praying for you." (And follow that up by checking on them later in the week)
"That does sound really overwhelming. Can I pray for you right now?"
"What can I do to help?" (hold a baby for an hour, fold some laundry, play with kids outside for an hour, give a gift card for a date night...)
"I don't have answers for you. Just keep leaning into Jesus. Keep taking it to Him."
I know this was long, but this has been on my heart weekly for quite awhile. Let's keep encouraging each other, let's build each other up. Let's keep listening to one another and become women of God who can be honest and open with each other, and it be safe. We have plenty of not-safe relationships in our extended families, workplaces, neighborhoods, and more, but let's keep fighting the fight as sisters in Christ that we can be safe together! Listen to someone's heart share a piece of their life. Give a hug, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend a hand in a tangible way so they don't feel like they are walking alone, and most of all, pray for them. Keep taking them to Jesus. One of the most incredible things I have learned from my husband is to push past the awkwardness of being in the middle of somewhere, and be willing to ask that crucial, "Can I pray for you right now?" question. But oh how sweet it is to stop right then and there and take it to Jesus.
For all of us who have chosen to follow Jesus for life, we are on a journey of becoming more like Him. Whatever "season" we are in, single, married, divorced, single parents, college age, retired, parents, longing to be parents, working outside the home, working at home... we keep our eyes on Jesus!
